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Deep in the bowels of the civic centre...

This was posted on the Facebook Speakeasy group. Not sure who - the user name is Saw Throwt.

Deep in the bowels of the Civic Centre: 1

[The scene opens on two men in a darkened room. The council Deputy Leader Steve Thomas is sitting patiently at the table while the Leader Hedley McCarthy practices saluting in a mirror.]

Hedley [sits down and rolls sleeves up]: "Right then Steve. Let's get this budget sorted for next year then shall we?"

Steve: "Er... we did that already Glorious Leader. At the big meeting on Friday?"

Hedley [face lights up with realisation]: "Oh right! Is that what that was about? Went well I thought?"

Steve: "Well, sort of. We got the cuts through and the Cuncil Tax increase too. It was a bit embarrassing having to vote against reopening the civic amenity sites. The Independents [makes the sign of the cross] will have gained a fair bit of publciity for that demand. Didn't make us look good really. There's been a lot of public support to reverse that decision."

Hedley [trying to balance a pencil on the end of his nose]: "Yeah, I didn't get that bit. Why did we oppose that? Surely all this fly-tipping I've been seeing would stop if they were reopened?"

Steve Thomas [head in hands]: "Yes Glorious Leader. No doubt it would. But we haven't got the money. Let me ask you a simple question. Reopen the civic amenity sites or sacrifice some of your £40,000 plus income?"

Hedley [horrified look]: "Oh no! Surely not? [shakes his head vigorously] No, no, no. Well we have to stand firm Pete. We can't let the public dictate to us."

Steve: "It's Steve, Glorious Leader, not Pete. And the public do sort of dictate to us - they elect us remember? We are accountable to them."

Hedley [shaking his head again]: "Yes, yes, but we've never worried about that sort of thing have we? I mean I know that TECHNICALLY we're serving the community. But it's come to something if we have to actually start doing it! Anyway, what about the council tax increase? That went through OK?"

Steve [pauses, lost for words, before replying]: "Well yes it went through. But again, it's not going to help our popularity. It's a big increase."

Hedley: "But why? £4.60 a year isn't much! Blimey, I spend that on bus fares every day.... er, actually, scrap that. Anyway that sounds reasonable for all the extra services we are going to provide."

Steve {getting very annoyed now]: "4.6 PERCENT Glorious Leader. Not £4.60. It's about £50 per household a year. And we're not providing more services. We're cutting the budget by over £9 millions... Glorious Leader? Are you OK? Speak to me! Nurse!"

[The scene closes on the Deputy Leader rubbing the hands of the Leader to bring him around]

To be continued...


I have to laugh as well.

This isn't far off the mark in my experience, and of course we all saw glimmers of it down at Llan Stute a few weeks back, when Steve had to dig Edders out of a few holes..

Deep in the bowels of the civic centre

Prince Edward is visiting next Monday and rumour has it that somebody over the civic employed a firm from Yorkshire to jet wash Church Street.
Council commitment to local jobs.
Eddie Windsor next member on here ?????????
T Bone

Very good, very clever.

Perhaps the Clown Council (sorry Town Council) could do a sketch of it for their Winter Fest?

Any ideas who could pay the lead roles? Cannon and Ball or how about Morecombe and Morecombe (well there’s nothing wise about them two)

I’m sure there will be better suggestions than them.

No 2  Laughing

Deep in the bowels of the Civic Centre: 2

[The scene opens on two men sitting in a crowded railway carriage. Council leader Hedley McCarthy is wearing a train guard's hat and
is waving a green flag as the train pulls away from Crosskeys station. Deputy Leader Steve Thomas is wearing a black Armani suit and Ray-ban sunglasses.]

Hedley [lowering the flag and turning to his deputy]: "So, badgers? What about them?"

Steve; "No. Badgers can't fly Glorious Leader. It's just birds. And bats."

Hedley [face lights up]: "And butterflies?"

Steve [raises his hand to meet his leader's high five]: "Yes. And butterflies."

Hedley [after a few minutes' silence] : "So, not a bad meeting. Good girl that Edwina. And that Michael bloke."

Steve: "It's Alun, Glorious Leader. Alun Michael."

Hedley: [looks confused]: "OK Alun. Anyway I thought it was very productive. When did he say the work begins on the new station?"

Steve: "Not for a while yet. But at least the funding has been put into place. That's a huge step forward. It's important we are able to offer some good news for a change."

Hedley [excitedly]: "Yes, it'll be great! Straight through from Cardiff to my fiancee's place. Choo choo!"

Steve [looking puzzled before realisation dawns]: "The new station isn't going to be built in Abertillery Glorious Leader. It's being built in Ebbw Vale."

Hedley [crestfallen]: "But they've already got a station! Ebbw Vale Parkway. Why do they need another?"

Steve [frustrated]: "You're not supposed to say that Glorious Leader. It's in Waunlwyd not Ebbw Vale. And Abertillery already has a
station in its most southerly ward at Llanhilleth. Ebbw Vale is our Principal town. We paid a lot of money to find that out."

Hedley [obviously disappointed]: "Oh well, it won't be for ages yet anyway by the sound of it. And when they do start work there'll
probably be delays. There always are. Remember the slow worms at Llanhilleth?"

Steve [impressed]: "Yes! Yes that's right Glorious Leader. They did cause a bit of a hold-up."

Hedley: "Lot of fuss about nothing if you ask me. They soon flew off to pastures new when the bulldozers moved in."

Announcer: "The next station is Newbridge...."

[The deputy leader smiles and shrugs at the frowning faces of his fellow passengers as his leader jumps up waving his flag and blowing his whistle]

To be continued...

And three...

Deep in the bowels of the Civic Centre: 3

[The scene opens on a small , brightly-lit committee room. Deputy leader Steve Thomas is wearing a Paul Smith grey linen suit and sits alongside council leader Hedley McCarthy( BA Hons) who is wearing a Miley Cyrus T-shirt. Opposite them is the nervous chairman of Abertillery & Llanhilleth Community Council, Jim Roles]

Hedley [singing to himself]: “One day I’ll fly away…”

Steve: {rolling his eyes and turning toward his guest] “Thanks for coming in Jim. Now I’ll come straight to the point. We’ve taken a hammering lately from the public and press and while the Glorious Leader and I are prepared to speak up for our own jobs, we’re not keen on having to defend yours too. Especially since we’re struggling to find anything much to say in your favour.”

Jim [looking offended:]: “Now hang on a min…”

Steve [waving away the protestations]: “Never mind ‘hang on’. [starts to counts off points on his fingers] One: you cost £90,000 a year. That’s something like £15 per household. Two…”

Hedley [suddenly paying attention]: “£90,000! That’s outrageous! We could buy a new civic car every year for that sort of money!” [looks dreamily towards the ceiling]

Steve: “Er… right. Anyway , as I was saying, two: you wouldn’t know an election if it was wearing a badge saying ‘I’m an election’. How many of you had to win a vote to get in?”

Hedley: [interjecting]: “That’s right, we won an election didn’t we Pete? Half of your lot [jabbing his finger] are these ‘Co-op’ members. And we don’t even have a Co-op in the town anymore!” [shakes his head in disbelief].

Steve: “Co-opted members, Glorious Leader. Not Co-op. It means they are appointed not elected. And my name’s Steve. S-T-E-V-E. [sighs and composes himself] Three: is it some sort of law that your name has to be Bartlett to be a town clerk around here?”

Jim [getting increasingly red in the face]: “That’s unfair! As it happens our…”

Steve [adjusting the bracelet on his Breitling watch]: “Your town clerk has just resigned and you’re advertising for a new one? Yes? Good. If you just assume I know everything that you do, plus a whole lot more, we’ll get this done a lot quicker. So, what sort of person are you looking for? Presumably they will have to be called Bartlett?”

Jim [standing up]: “Now look here…”

Steve [waving him seated again]: “Just kidding Jim, just kidding. Salary around £30,000 a year pro rata I understand?”

Hedley [jumping to his feet]: “£30,000! That’s more than I get!” [Steve coughs loudly] “I mean, that nearly as much as I get!” [Steve coughs loudly again] “Well that’s quite a lot anyway.” [looks at his deputy who nods]

Steve [waiting for the leader to sit down]: “Look Jim. You do what you want. We’ve got our own problems So you go back and plan next year’s Christmas lights and allocate your allotments or whatever it is you do. But let me make this clear. [leans across the table towards his junior colleague] Don’t. Screw. Up. This. Appointment. I don’t want ANY room for criticism. So… I don’t expect the new clerk to be you or any member of your family. I don’t expect them to be the second cousin or uncle of any other member of the community council. And I don’t expect them to be the son or daughter of one of the County Borough councillors. Understand? Squeaky clean. We are being watched very closely and it will be YOU not me who will be facing the flak if this smells of herring.”

Hedley [struggling to follow]: “Er... what he said!”

[The scene closes on a furious but speechless community council chairman rising to his feet only to watch the deputy leader stroll from the room, dragging his leader along behind by his ear]

To be continued…

The last one was interesting as it infers that someone has it sewn up for the town clerk's job. I was told exactly the same thing by a friend a few days earlier. Doesn't prove anything of course. I'm sure it will be handled very fairly and efficiently...

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